Back to where I was

It has been quite a while since I was laid off from school. My routines can be decribed with one word : boring. Yes, very boring. I couldn't find anything that can amuse me in my house, apart from my hilarious mother and sister. I decided to go back to my own routine of reading fashion blogs, and how I love ro indulge in their creative writing, which would impress me without fail. It also brings me to their life of constantly attending fashion shows by many fabulous designers, staying in hotels like the ritz-carlton or four seasons, it is indeed a lifestyle that everyone wants to live.

It frustrates me so much that my friends are just working and getting money, and I, I just sit in front of the computer the whole day, facebooking, and reading fashion blogs. How I wish that I get paid to do all of these stuff..( I am sure everyone hope for that too!)

I am opting for a change in my lifetstyle, and of course place. I want to go to Paris and live for a few years, this is one of the things I want to do. I want a change in my environment, a change in the weather and architecture. But, it is of course a fantasy of mine, and soon to be reality. My dear Vansha would agree with the change in environment and people.

Oh dear Paris, I sure miss your cold air and scent, I sure miss your lovely architecture and night lights. And I promise I'll be back very soon.

*drowning*

I couldn't stop repeating the scene from new moon when Edward left Bella in my head. It so heart wrenching. I cried during the movie. And I do feel the pain badly. No idea whether is it because the movie really got me or is it because I am feeling the same too...

Having to lose someone you really love really does hurts, he is so near yet so far. Knowing that going back is just not possible. I feel so empty. I could sit in a corner, and just daze, and suddenly cry because I am hurting so much inside. The pain is way too numb. Sometimes I cant even cry, I just dont know what to do.

" it suddenly feels like a hole punched inside my heart, and the edges of the hole burning...."
adapted from New Moon.

this is what I am feeling now, and always been since I left you...
The hole in my heart hasnt heal either, it just get bigger and bigger. And soon I feel like I am drowning. I cant get hold of my breathing.

Nothing could distract me from thinking of you everyday. Its sad that you dont feel the same. I wont blame you for I cast this upon myself.

*i cant help it*

I know we couldnt get back what we were, I know you told me clear enough, I can see that. But how am I to stop myself from thinking of our past, we were perfect, imperfectly perfect. You were the one who knew how to tolerate my weird temper. You knew me like the back of your hand. But, now we are just nothing but best of friends. I appreciate you still being very caring towards me, still loving me like before. But, its different now. You're being so mature and aware of your own future, which is a good thing. You kept stressing bout exposing yourself to so many things in life... I mean that makes me love you more, makes me look up to you more.

The thing is I cant help but to keep thinking of you... all the time, think of our past. I am hating myself so much because I ruined us, and got myself hurt and messed up.What will people think of me, I just dont care, but I couldnt deny that I am messed up for sure. I mess myself up. I got myself hurt twice by two different guys. What the F is wrong with me, I dont know. But for sure I hated myself for falling for someone who wouldnt regard or care for my feelings and broke someone I really love so much.

Vic, what am I to do? You're going to jakarta, and I cant contact you whatsoever... those weeks are gonna be agonizing for sure...I'll miss you so much.... Vic, I could never cast you out of my life, I tried...but its impossible, and I am not going to try anymore. You are part of my life, you always will be.

*two is better than one*

"I remember every look upon your face, the way you roll your eyes the way you taste, you made it hard for breathing..."

quoted from the song two is better than one

All I can do right now is only think of the past, linger in the past. I miss you, I do. I miss everything about you. People say move on, but i say its easy to say but hard to do when you really love someone and gave out your all to the person.

I miss you a lot vic. You said, things arent the same anymore. Maybe u think it is. n i dont blame you for that.

*i miss your smile*

Even though I stole this picture from someone else's profile, but I somehow love it. Its such a shame that I wasnt the one who took this pic. I wish I was. I miss everything bout him, especially that smile which I had taken away from him months ago. And it did hurt me a lot. All I can say is:

*I miss your lovely smile*

*I keep you in my heart*

It was 2:23 am when I decided to turn in. I lay there, bombarded with our memories. I can't help to cry again and again. I cried out every single aching in my heart. Resenting every mistake that I've made. I can't imagine that I ruined something so close to perfect for me, I ruined something we have built for a long time. We love each other so much, gave all we have to each other. Got ourselves broken at the end. I respect your decision. Maybe you are right that we should keep things this way? Maybe we should stay this way. Separated. It is so hard for me to agree with you. I was suffocating when you said that we shouldnt be together, because we are in a position so uncertain. You always look at the future not the present. You always do things in the right way. At least we wont hurt that bad in the future. All I can do now is to keep you in my heart and get on with my life. Everything I do I think of you, everywhere I go, most of the things reminds me of you. At least I have memories lingering in every corner. At least I have something of you.

I'll definitely miss you like nuts when you are in Jakarta for a month. I'll miss you so very much. You promise me that we'll hang out as much as we can before you leave. I hope you can spend my birthday with me and my family. That would be perfect for me.

I guess this would be the last time I would say this to you before I can say it again freely and happily. Once again:
*I heart you*

!!!wowness!!

Is there such a word called "wowness"? no idea, but i sorta created my own. There are so many reasons I am wowing for the moment. First is, wow, i went shopping with my mum today, i got a black dress with really weird design, but who cares cuz its unique. and i bought a denim studded jacket. that is the real wowness. cuz damn i've been looking for a studded jacket for sometime. so its yipee!

Second wowness, is meeting my bro with his ex in cs. that is a real wow. i thought both of them quarrelled? no idea. but as long as he is happy i am cool. if they get back together she better treat him well. technically its none of my business. haha...

Third wowness, my darling vic is coming home on Fri. yipee..i cant wait to meet him before i take off to Penang. Miss him so muchie!!

Fourth wowness, I am going Penang. So its cool that I get to lay off from here for the moment. gotta enjoy the heat, the food, the beach and attend a cool wedding. hope there are cute german guys there?? hahaha...

Cheers peeps.... expect the unexpected.

I dont care

So what if I got drunk on the first time clubbing. Everyone has their chances of being messed up once in awhile. I got drunk after prom, and I am not regretting it. It doesnt mean that people who hit the club is wild, cuz its just who party people are, we are just opting for some fun once in awhile, cuz life gives a shit once in awhile. Having hung overs might suck but I like it somehow, its like a relieve for my own emotions, to cry out the unhappiness, and the dissatisfaction in life.

Yes I need a break, a break from this place, a break from everyone. Desperate and in need of a fresh place, to see fresh faces. To look at the streets and see beautiful people, beautiful buildings, brighter skies, beautiful fashion.

Zooey Deschanel

Yes, she looks like Katy Perry, but she is not. She is ZOOEY DESCHANEL. You might see her in Failure to Launch or the recent movie 500 days of Summer. She is just so so gorgeous. Love her!!=)

*Love Sick*

Yes, I am love sick. Its 12:37am in the morning, and I am trying to force myself to bed but I just cant. I cant stop missing you. Its killing me!

I've been restless the whole day, I tried casting you out of my brain for a moment but I just cant. I nap and I dreamt of you ( a couple of people were in my dream, Jason was in it, no idea why) I close my eyes and I see you. But, I guess this feeling is not tormenting or agonizing to me this time, I am actually enjoying the feeling of missing you, cuz maybe its worth it? ....

But, the worst part is that I cant see you till I get back from Penang which is next Tuesday. Sobs... I'll be leaving on Saturday night, and you'll be back on Friday? You'll probably be so tired and you wont wanna get outta your house by then... sobs... i'll miss you so much.....=( I am trying so hard to find ways to get to bed but it isnt easy..hate it! Sleeping Pills... I need them!!!! I am suffering from love sick....Vic vic... come to my dreams now....=[


PS: Congrats to Jason, that he got his driving licence. I am sure he is so happy, or maybe just happy. no idea. but for sure I am happy for him, not that he is gonna drive and look for me, but just pure happy. =] So that means, bro, the mags are ready for pick up. haha... you're half naked lady is waiting to be picked up, and I want FHM please. i wanna see the veronicas please!!! I cant wait anymore. =(

*Saving us*

I haven't been writing for a long time, but, you're right, I should start doing what I love. Get back to the lifestyle I use to live, write love to you, write and describe every loveliness, every pain and wrath, everything in life that deserves to be written about.

We met each other, by fate. Having to love each others imperfectness and perfectness. We made a decision to hold each others' hands, and go through everything together. Everything. Happiness, pain, hurt, anger, anything and everything. We were madly in love with each other, we kissed madly each time we watch a movie, and coming out of theater not knowing half of what the movie is about, but this is what we are. We never failed to visit the record store, going through all of the record we love, you never believed in downloaded music, you despise bad sound quality, I tried convincing you but failed all the time. We quarrelled over the most stupendous things. We cared to much about what each other never did rather than what each other did.

Till the day, I got my feelings fooled, I got taken off the track. I betrayed your trust, your love, my promises to you. I was misleaded by someone who can only be and always be my best friend. I hear your cry through voicemails, I would cry every night feeling messed up, not knowing what to do, because I was hurt. I fooled myself, I thought he could help me forget what we have, I thought he could give me more than you can. I was in a dilemma. I hated the feeling of being in a crossroad and to choose. I went to him, only to find my expectations wrong, and got myself bruises and cuts.

Now, I am running back to you, with remorse, regret. Feeling very sorry with what I've done. And to find that you werent the guy I used to know, you grew, knowing your priorities. I lost my trust, you never dare to believe me, only leaving everything to God. But here I am now, I learnt from my mistakes, and I am never going to make them again. I am going to prove that I still love you...

I love you for being idiotic, I love you for being funny, I love you for being overprotective at times, I love being capable, I love you being smart, I love you for being sensitive towards my feelings, I love the perfectness and imperfectness of you.

Take my hand, we'll go through this together again, and I am not letting go this time. I swear I wont. Our hands will be stuck to each other with love, and trust once again.

FINALLY!

....... I am gonna say kudos to myself that I finally graduated!!! whee...after six years of crap, fun, and being left out once in awhile...yesssshhh!!I am proud that I persevered.... I am proud of myself. Totally am.

Graduation was fine, prom was even better... Everyone looked really gorgeous. No comments to those who did fashion "faux pas". But the rest who dressed well, you all looked lovely. My favourite was hui xian, which she had the amazing dress on her, and a great pair of red pumps.. Lovely... For guys, most of them looked kinda alike, but I really have to add that Jason looked good, apart from his good looks, I guess he achieved that T.I look?? But his stare was rather like Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl. Hahaha... Vic was different, he looked smarter if only the hairstylist didnt ruin his hair... After party in Dolce was okay, fun I guess?? but the music wasnt all the good. My darling Pei shi was a 'bom" on the dance floor, I had so much fun but... it was sorta ruined by... that dude who pulled my darling off the dance floor. No comments about that. Got drunk and fell asleep... Was a total mess... I promise myself not to get drunk the next time, and to only go clubbing with my sista Shannon. Cuz at least there is someone who would look after me, who would watch my step. So I am planning to go this coming Friday!! Shannon I am in! hahaha...Cabana and not Dolce. lol...

Paramore is coming next year to SG. that means, I am gonna work and Paramore here I come. I've been waiting to see you live!! I have to be there!!!!! Anticipating to be there...=)

what am I suppose to believe in??

I am shocked that you actually read my blog... All of those things that happened... shouldnt have happened if I saw this coming... I was real hurt... You dont wanna be the guy who hurt me? but you already just did... I chose to believe that you werent like him, you are different. I trusted you...but...I got betrayed... again?? Of all people you know how much hurt I went thru in the past, you knew. And I trusted you with my heart...

You said you dont wanna lose friend? Is that an excuse to run away from the fact that you didnt like me anymore? or you are just not ready to committ??

I am okay in the morning when everyone is here with me, being here with me when I needed them, but when its time to go to bed it gets so hard to sleep, the pain is way excruciating... it is too intense.... I cant believe it again and again that I was cheated once again, got betrayed again... I hate the feeling of being betrayed...

I am moving on, I'll try to. I'm gonna do okay without you. I'm sure I will. I'll go to college with no regrets whatsoever. Start a new life, and I m sure there's someone out there who knows how to love me, and appreciate me. I am sure of that.


thanks brother bank for accompanying me for the past few days.. without y'all I'll probably be dead by now....