Few more hours. =D

Yipee.. I am leaving M'sia tomorrow to a very new place for a month. I am so so pyched!!

I ll miss Vic so so very much... Vic love, thanks for the scarf. =D I love you. Enjoy your trip in Jakarta. mwah.

ILY Vic

Christmas together.

I had a way different xmas this year...Its kinda sad that I didnt managed to celebrate with the Josephs and Aunt Mary.=( But, there's something much more different and better this year.hehe..

I went to Vic's grandma's house for Christmas luncheon. Something small, quiet. I was able to finally meet his family. Great stuff.=D I love his mum, she is like the best thing on earth ( apart from my family and lovely Vic) She is such a soft spoken lady... I just love her. It was nothing great, but to be able to meet Vic's family was something big for me.. So.. thanks to my good courtesy it went out well.. tee-hee..

Vic love, its our first xmas together... I hope to have more xmas together next time. =D

I look so ugly here.. Vic looks nice.. My hotsie. whatever..=(

Btw, thanks Shan and my lovely friends for throwing a surprise party for me. I was so touched that all of you did this for me. Had a lovely time with all of Y'all. Mwah mwah mwah!!

Vic love, thanks for doing so much for me on that day, thanks for the midnight swim..haha.. I love it. Thanks for sleeping with me on that uncomfy couch, thanks for sacrificing your sweater and socks for me that night, sorry that you have to be so chilly for the whole night. I love you vic. mwah!!

swee nightmare

Dreadful thoughts kept flooding my mind. Both of us are going to part sooner than I could imagine. I am struggling and despising that time isn't something that I can get hold of and control.

"You looked me in the eye, flooded with tears, yet, you let your ego take control of you. You maintained your poise, try to be strong. You gave me a hug, so warm and so addictive. A hug that I know clearly, I couldn't have for a long period of time. I wept. Eyes swelled, nose red. Face drenched in tears. Heart aching. "

The moment I opened my eyelids, I thank God that at least this isn't happening just yet. And yet in the sudden moment I was sadden by the fact it will happen, soon enough.

Leaving you isn't something that I ask for. I hated the fact that I would have to face the future, without you by my side anymore, you'll be some where far. I hated the fact when I needed someone, and you're not there anymore, when I need love and comfort you're not there anymore, when I opt for a warm hug and a romantic kiss, you're not there anymore.

I am terrified, traumatized by the fact, that we are going to part, very very soon.

ILY VIC.
"9 more days"

* Best of our lives*

The Final Verdict

Average. That is what I would rate my UEC results. In fact, I did cry, shedding tears of disappoinment. I worked my arse off this exam but I just got an average result. I'll congratulate those who did well.

The thought of applying for a Uni is really dreadful, the only thing that portray in my mind was endless research and endless paper work. I am sure that this feeling came from the lazy bones in me. Speechless bout that.

My sisters went to Singapore, I am sure they are having so much fun right now, enjoying themselves in Escape theme park. I am not too sure why I rejected my sister's offer to follow her. Sorry my darling ray for not going there with you, i am sure i ll make it up to you. sorry my darling.

new environment

I am so pyched that I am finally going to Melbourne on January... it is so so awesome... the feeling is like sorta undesribable... I am so happy that I am able to leave to a new environment.. I pray that it will be good.. I really need some fresh air, off to some place better than here... where places will remind me of very sucky memories... memories of my mistakes.. and i hope that after i come back here, after a month, it ll be great... i ll have some bastards off my mind.. which is good...

*but for that only you, I will definitely miss... its forever hard to get you off my mind and head, but i hope i will... it ll be good for us this way... for you and me, like you said..20 days on counting... ILY.."

*21days*

ILY VIC

*the countdown*

Give me sometime, and I promise that I'll let you go after my birthday. Next year. Next year will be a new start for me, a new year, without you in my life and heart. I'll go Melbourne, lay off for awhile. I am going to miss you a lot, because you're part of my heart and it is so hard for me to take you out. Whatever it is, no matter how painful it is, if this is what you want for me, I'll do it.

25 days
ILY

Thanks guys... Muaks.

thank you to all of you for accompanying me every single day, life would definitely suck without all of you. All of you have been keeping my mind off things and all.. i love you guys so much... Muaks.

*I am sorry*

*Pics*

*need you to fill my void*

this of course isnt my first time I am sewing. For someone like me to sew this is really something, detailed work doesnt = Nicole. However this is out of love that I did this for Vic. Love could really make someone do crazy things like this.

*I feel superbly comfortable around you, I needed no one else but you. Meeting you today was the best out of my weeks. Through out the whole movie, the closest I could get to you was my head on your shoulder, thats all. And, I am satisfied. You are part of the reason why I didnt want to leave for Aus, because I couldnt bare to lose contact with you. I thought it'll be easier for me to leave Aus when you are just about to leave for Jakarta, it'll be a good time for us to just stay away from each other for weeks. Hope it'll be good.*

Vic, come here right now and fill this void that you use to occupy. It is only meant for you and no one else.
ILY VIC

Bum?

The moment I opened my eyes, I set my eyes on that white fair ceiling, the same old ceiling I've been seeing for the past five years. The next thing that came out of my mind was: what the hell am I going to do today?? This question has been a frequent visitor to my mind. I feel awful knowing that I am not working, not earning a single cent but just frequently spending my folks' money, I feel useless... My friends are doing productive work out there, and me?

I need new things in my life, I wanna keep my mind off things.. I wanna meet new people, I wanna be in a new environment, somewhere far from this area. I am still contemplating whether should I ask my godparents if its okay that I should be there in Melbourne and work there. Stay there for a month. But, I guess I dont have the guts to do so, I still linger on the things here.. its like damn effing irony.

I feel like some sorta bum, just staring in front of boxes and not leveraging on anything..
F! I am pissed..

Back to where I was

It has been quite a while since I was laid off from school. My routines can be decribed with one word : boring. Yes, very boring. I couldn't find anything that can amuse me in my house, apart from my hilarious mother and sister. I decided to go back to my own routine of reading fashion blogs, and how I love ro indulge in their creative writing, which would impress me without fail. It also brings me to their life of constantly attending fashion shows by many fabulous designers, staying in hotels like the ritz-carlton or four seasons, it is indeed a lifestyle that everyone wants to live.

It frustrates me so much that my friends are just working and getting money, and I, I just sit in front of the computer the whole day, facebooking, and reading fashion blogs. How I wish that I get paid to do all of these stuff..( I am sure everyone hope for that too!)

I am opting for a change in my lifetstyle, and of course place. I want to go to Paris and live for a few years, this is one of the things I want to do. I want a change in my environment, a change in the weather and architecture. But, it is of course a fantasy of mine, and soon to be reality. My dear Vansha would agree with the change in environment and people.

Oh dear Paris, I sure miss your cold air and scent, I sure miss your lovely architecture and night lights. And I promise I'll be back very soon.

*drowning*

I couldn't stop repeating the scene from new moon when Edward left Bella in my head. It so heart wrenching. I cried during the movie. And I do feel the pain badly. No idea whether is it because the movie really got me or is it because I am feeling the same too...

Having to lose someone you really love really does hurts, he is so near yet so far. Knowing that going back is just not possible. I feel so empty. I could sit in a corner, and just daze, and suddenly cry because I am hurting so much inside. The pain is way too numb. Sometimes I cant even cry, I just dont know what to do.

" it suddenly feels like a hole punched inside my heart, and the edges of the hole burning...."
adapted from New Moon.

this is what I am feeling now, and always been since I left you...
The hole in my heart hasnt heal either, it just get bigger and bigger. And soon I feel like I am drowning. I cant get hold of my breathing.

Nothing could distract me from thinking of you everyday. Its sad that you dont feel the same. I wont blame you for I cast this upon myself.

*i cant help it*

I know we couldnt get back what we were, I know you told me clear enough, I can see that. But how am I to stop myself from thinking of our past, we were perfect, imperfectly perfect. You were the one who knew how to tolerate my weird temper. You knew me like the back of your hand. But, now we are just nothing but best of friends. I appreciate you still being very caring towards me, still loving me like before. But, its different now. You're being so mature and aware of your own future, which is a good thing. You kept stressing bout exposing yourself to so many things in life... I mean that makes me love you more, makes me look up to you more.

The thing is I cant help but to keep thinking of you... all the time, think of our past. I am hating myself so much because I ruined us, and got myself hurt and messed up.What will people think of me, I just dont care, but I couldnt deny that I am messed up for sure. I mess myself up. I got myself hurt twice by two different guys. What the F is wrong with me, I dont know. But for sure I hated myself for falling for someone who wouldnt regard or care for my feelings and broke someone I really love so much.

Vic, what am I to do? You're going to jakarta, and I cant contact you whatsoever... those weeks are gonna be agonizing for sure...I'll miss you so much.... Vic, I could never cast you out of my life, I tried...but its impossible, and I am not going to try anymore. You are part of my life, you always will be.

*two is better than one*

"I remember every look upon your face, the way you roll your eyes the way you taste, you made it hard for breathing..."

quoted from the song two is better than one

All I can do right now is only think of the past, linger in the past. I miss you, I do. I miss everything about you. People say move on, but i say its easy to say but hard to do when you really love someone and gave out your all to the person.

I miss you a lot vic. You said, things arent the same anymore. Maybe u think it is. n i dont blame you for that.

*i miss your smile*

Even though I stole this picture from someone else's profile, but I somehow love it. Its such a shame that I wasnt the one who took this pic. I wish I was. I miss everything bout him, especially that smile which I had taken away from him months ago. And it did hurt me a lot. All I can say is:

*I miss your lovely smile*

*I keep you in my heart*

It was 2:23 am when I decided to turn in. I lay there, bombarded with our memories. I can't help to cry again and again. I cried out every single aching in my heart. Resenting every mistake that I've made. I can't imagine that I ruined something so close to perfect for me, I ruined something we have built for a long time. We love each other so much, gave all we have to each other. Got ourselves broken at the end. I respect your decision. Maybe you are right that we should keep things this way? Maybe we should stay this way. Separated. It is so hard for me to agree with you. I was suffocating when you said that we shouldnt be together, because we are in a position so uncertain. You always look at the future not the present. You always do things in the right way. At least we wont hurt that bad in the future. All I can do now is to keep you in my heart and get on with my life. Everything I do I think of you, everywhere I go, most of the things reminds me of you. At least I have memories lingering in every corner. At least I have something of you.

I'll definitely miss you like nuts when you are in Jakarta for a month. I'll miss you so very much. You promise me that we'll hang out as much as we can before you leave. I hope you can spend my birthday with me and my family. That would be perfect for me.

I guess this would be the last time I would say this to you before I can say it again freely and happily. Once again:
*I heart you*

!!!wowness!!

Is there such a word called "wowness"? no idea, but i sorta created my own. There are so many reasons I am wowing for the moment. First is, wow, i went shopping with my mum today, i got a black dress with really weird design, but who cares cuz its unique. and i bought a denim studded jacket. that is the real wowness. cuz damn i've been looking for a studded jacket for sometime. so its yipee!

Second wowness, is meeting my bro with his ex in cs. that is a real wow. i thought both of them quarrelled? no idea. but as long as he is happy i am cool. if they get back together she better treat him well. technically its none of my business. haha...

Third wowness, my darling vic is coming home on Fri. yipee..i cant wait to meet him before i take off to Penang. Miss him so muchie!!

Fourth wowness, I am going Penang. So its cool that I get to lay off from here for the moment. gotta enjoy the heat, the food, the beach and attend a cool wedding. hope there are cute german guys there?? hahaha...

Cheers peeps.... expect the unexpected.

I dont care

So what if I got drunk on the first time clubbing. Everyone has their chances of being messed up once in awhile. I got drunk after prom, and I am not regretting it. It doesnt mean that people who hit the club is wild, cuz its just who party people are, we are just opting for some fun once in awhile, cuz life gives a shit once in awhile. Having hung overs might suck but I like it somehow, its like a relieve for my own emotions, to cry out the unhappiness, and the dissatisfaction in life.

Yes I need a break, a break from this place, a break from everyone. Desperate and in need of a fresh place, to see fresh faces. To look at the streets and see beautiful people, beautiful buildings, brighter skies, beautiful fashion.

Zooey Deschanel

Yes, she looks like Katy Perry, but she is not. She is ZOOEY DESCHANEL. You might see her in Failure to Launch or the recent movie 500 days of Summer. She is just so so gorgeous. Love her!!=)

*Love Sick*

Yes, I am love sick. Its 12:37am in the morning, and I am trying to force myself to bed but I just cant. I cant stop missing you. Its killing me!

I've been restless the whole day, I tried casting you out of my brain for a moment but I just cant. I nap and I dreamt of you ( a couple of people were in my dream, Jason was in it, no idea why) I close my eyes and I see you. But, I guess this feeling is not tormenting or agonizing to me this time, I am actually enjoying the feeling of missing you, cuz maybe its worth it? ....

But, the worst part is that I cant see you till I get back from Penang which is next Tuesday. Sobs... I'll be leaving on Saturday night, and you'll be back on Friday? You'll probably be so tired and you wont wanna get outta your house by then... sobs... i'll miss you so much.....=( I am trying so hard to find ways to get to bed but it isnt easy..hate it! Sleeping Pills... I need them!!!! I am suffering from love sick....Vic vic... come to my dreams now....=[


PS: Congrats to Jason, that he got his driving licence. I am sure he is so happy, or maybe just happy. no idea. but for sure I am happy for him, not that he is gonna drive and look for me, but just pure happy. =] So that means, bro, the mags are ready for pick up. haha... you're half naked lady is waiting to be picked up, and I want FHM please. i wanna see the veronicas please!!! I cant wait anymore. =(

*Saving us*

I haven't been writing for a long time, but, you're right, I should start doing what I love. Get back to the lifestyle I use to live, write love to you, write and describe every loveliness, every pain and wrath, everything in life that deserves to be written about.

We met each other, by fate. Having to love each others imperfectness and perfectness. We made a decision to hold each others' hands, and go through everything together. Everything. Happiness, pain, hurt, anger, anything and everything. We were madly in love with each other, we kissed madly each time we watch a movie, and coming out of theater not knowing half of what the movie is about, but this is what we are. We never failed to visit the record store, going through all of the record we love, you never believed in downloaded music, you despise bad sound quality, I tried convincing you but failed all the time. We quarrelled over the most stupendous things. We cared to much about what each other never did rather than what each other did.

Till the day, I got my feelings fooled, I got taken off the track. I betrayed your trust, your love, my promises to you. I was misleaded by someone who can only be and always be my best friend. I hear your cry through voicemails, I would cry every night feeling messed up, not knowing what to do, because I was hurt. I fooled myself, I thought he could help me forget what we have, I thought he could give me more than you can. I was in a dilemma. I hated the feeling of being in a crossroad and to choose. I went to him, only to find my expectations wrong, and got myself bruises and cuts.

Now, I am running back to you, with remorse, regret. Feeling very sorry with what I've done. And to find that you werent the guy I used to know, you grew, knowing your priorities. I lost my trust, you never dare to believe me, only leaving everything to God. But here I am now, I learnt from my mistakes, and I am never going to make them again. I am going to prove that I still love you...

I love you for being idiotic, I love you for being funny, I love you for being overprotective at times, I love being capable, I love you being smart, I love you for being sensitive towards my feelings, I love the perfectness and imperfectness of you.

Take my hand, we'll go through this together again, and I am not letting go this time. I swear I wont. Our hands will be stuck to each other with love, and trust once again.

FINALLY!

....... I am gonna say kudos to myself that I finally graduated!!! whee...after six years of crap, fun, and being left out once in awhile...yesssshhh!!I am proud that I persevered.... I am proud of myself. Totally am.

Graduation was fine, prom was even better... Everyone looked really gorgeous. No comments to those who did fashion "faux pas". But the rest who dressed well, you all looked lovely. My favourite was hui xian, which she had the amazing dress on her, and a great pair of red pumps.. Lovely... For guys, most of them looked kinda alike, but I really have to add that Jason looked good, apart from his good looks, I guess he achieved that T.I look?? But his stare was rather like Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl. Hahaha... Vic was different, he looked smarter if only the hairstylist didnt ruin his hair... After party in Dolce was okay, fun I guess?? but the music wasnt all the good. My darling Pei shi was a 'bom" on the dance floor, I had so much fun but... it was sorta ruined by... that dude who pulled my darling off the dance floor. No comments about that. Got drunk and fell asleep... Was a total mess... I promise myself not to get drunk the next time, and to only go clubbing with my sista Shannon. Cuz at least there is someone who would look after me, who would watch my step. So I am planning to go this coming Friday!! Shannon I am in! hahaha...Cabana and not Dolce. lol...

Paramore is coming next year to SG. that means, I am gonna work and Paramore here I come. I've been waiting to see you live!! I have to be there!!!!! Anticipating to be there...=)

what am I suppose to believe in??

I am shocked that you actually read my blog... All of those things that happened... shouldnt have happened if I saw this coming... I was real hurt... You dont wanna be the guy who hurt me? but you already just did... I chose to believe that you werent like him, you are different. I trusted you...but...I got betrayed... again?? Of all people you know how much hurt I went thru in the past, you knew. And I trusted you with my heart...

You said you dont wanna lose friend? Is that an excuse to run away from the fact that you didnt like me anymore? or you are just not ready to committ??

I am okay in the morning when everyone is here with me, being here with me when I needed them, but when its time to go to bed it gets so hard to sleep, the pain is way excruciating... it is too intense.... I cant believe it again and again that I was cheated once again, got betrayed again... I hate the feeling of being betrayed...

I am moving on, I'll try to. I'm gonna do okay without you. I'm sure I will. I'll go to college with no regrets whatsoever. Start a new life, and I m sure there's someone out there who knows how to love me, and appreciate me. I am sure of that.


thanks brother bank for accompanying me for the past few days.. without y'all I'll probably be dead by now....

I kinda saw it coming.

I kinda saw it coming... everything.. your actions shows clearly, I am not blind, I am not stupid. But, I've grown up. I wont hate you because I am over such things. Things just happened in one way or another. Maybe we arent made for each other. we thought we were. We rush. But its a good thing we found it out earlier. Maybe the pain wont hurt that bad. I am fine without you. I am. You're a good friend but I would assume you're not a good boyfriend? Its just my assumptions. But, I would want to say thank you. Because I've learnt from my mistakes. I aint making them the second time.

Brother bank... I love you guys. I need all of you realy bad. But thanks for everything. You guys are the best.... we have to hang out on prom!! Have as much fun as possible. I am happy for Kong Hao.. Cuz he finally have his gal.. Couldnt be any happier. The amount of hardship you went through for her. Enjoy being in love cuz it really feels good to love and be loved by someone. =)

... Vic... probably I hurt you real bad... I am sorry I did. But I am making up my mistakes. i am sorry. I am regretting everything. I know you wont believe the things I said now because I betrayed your trust. But you are the one who never fails to watch my step, and take care of me. My eyes opened up, I could finally see clearly... I'll give some time... I am sure we can work things out... I am sure of that.

.....I am trying...

I am tryin as hard as I can... just to ignore you, just to leave my phone alone so I wont have the thought of textin you.... thanks to my darlings for spending the whole day with me so I wont think too much... I wont have thoughts of you...

I dont know what we are now... since the day you kissed me I was confused... confused at what we were.... we did what couples did, but we arent one... I never could understand all of this...

Shan told me to ignore and stay strong.. but i cant... I am trying... I kept telling myself I can... but i am barely breathing...

I feel hopeless... I dont know what to do anymore...I tried trusting you.. i did... now i feel... betrayed.. i cared so much for you. I am so honest to you. but all i get from you is this???.... I am speechless

None of us are perfect

The things you told me yesterday wasnt what i expected.... maybe its true that people out there is suffering hell a lot than me, maybe my life is much better than someone else's... that i would not deny... the whole point of me telling you bout me is cuz I thought you should know... I thought telling you bout me would help us.... I guess I expected so much.... Maybe I should stop thinking that things are gonna work out darn smooth for me. For us if you think there is one... I never thought I gave out my heart so easily to you.... you might say no one asked me to.... but I just did....

all i need is you to be there with me, be my best friend, be someone who AT LEAST care for me, love me...... am i asking to much??? .....

you came in took my heart away, i feel comfortable around you, i am in my own skin when i am with you... the thought of losing you kills.... what am i to do?? i am so scared when you just tell me you can do this anymore....etc..... i feel like i am just a replacement aint it??

You hide I seek... seek for the things I thought I should know... whats the point???

i am tired....

i want you and no one else

My life has changed since you set your foot in it. I never thought that I would get so close to you, all i did before was to admire you from a distance, love that pair of deep set of beautiful eyes, listen to your crap all the time and recall it once in a while and laugh like an idiot. I never did understand what you were to me. You were someone else's.

But now, everything is different. You're more than the person who I used to admire and look at, you're so much more than that. You're someone I am so addicted to, you're someone who made my head spin round when we kiss, you're someone who I couldn't bare to leave, you're someone who occupies my brain for most of the time.

You made me shed so much tear for, because I care too much. You made me hate myself for crying so much, you made me get angry with myself because I cannot understand you, because I could never know what you are thinking.

Maybe its true that I couldn't live without you, maybe its true that I really fallen for you.

...Should I be happy or Should I not?...

UEC officially starts tomorrow... and I dont know whether should I be happy or not? Been mugging my ass off and its so darn boring....

I want all of this to be over soon... Then I can have so so much fun....

I hate the feeling of missing someone, because it makes people so damn restless.... So wish to get outta it soon.... Havent heard from him for 2 days... and its officially killing me... Man... I miss him....

... Someone stop this song....

There she goes again... Letting her mind drift off to a place she wish she could be... Living in her dreams... With so high hopes... Cuz she knows that her dreams would never disappoint her....

She is still waiting, waiting for a simple text message from him, so she would be At Least much happier than she used to be...

He was always what she wanted, the way he thinks, the things that they like, are just too much alike. She has been waiting for this guy since she first set her eyes on him. She knew she was in no position to get near to him because she was no one to him, because he was taken. She decided to move on having a little affection for him in her heart. All she could tell herself that she could look at him and admire him from a distance. She cared too much for this friend of hers, and will try to get information of him from her friends. People with eyes could feel that she have feelings for this guy. But, at that time she was taken too. All she did was create suspicion and there was no confirmation.

But, now it was a different story. He is not taken anymore, so is she. They landed together in the same boat... She thought she could finally have him all by herself... He liked her, so does she. They had a thing going on. And it means everything to her. But it seems like her feelings for him is much more stronger than how he feels bout her. He tells her that he needs time... She thinks that he is not ready to commit. She is scared. Living in fear. Because he could leave her anytime he wants, because both of them werent together.

She miss his face, she missed the taste of his lips, she missed the way he put her in his arms. But all of that just lasted for a day. After that day, everything seems back to where it is. She asked when will she him again? She said she'll miss him, and told him that he wouldnt even mind not seeing her for a week. He said he would mind. Its been more a week... and she hasnt seen him... she thought that he really cared, she thought that he would really miss her.... But, it seems like she has been giving herself too much expectations.

She tried a couple of times to find time to meet him...but all he did was turn her down... each time he does, her heart ached to the fullest... and soon...it became a habit... she got used to the pain... and sometimes would love the pain she had... and it was also a reminder to her, so that she still keep track of her breathing. She thought he would like her, treat her the way she deserve to be treated... But again. she got too much expectations...

She wished he cared more bout her, she wished he would really mean what he said, and would do his best to prevent her from getting hurt, and prevent her from shedding a single tear for him. But, no...he did none of those.

But, she never did gave up waiting.. waiting for the day when he would treat her the way she wanted to be treated... but till then, all she could do is do a playback what had happened on that day... the way he talks, he kissed her, he hugged her...

... Hawaian nite?....

First I thought this party is gonna be a blast... But, we were late for the party.. We were told to be there at 630 pm.. but wound up.. we were waiting for each other...and we reached there around 9pm? Super late... So i thought it was a party...but the whole ambience seems so quiet...
Only five of us wore hawaian style... it seems so weird... but whatever... the party was okay...not all that fun... But yeah...it was when i get to know stuff... real stuff..

But whatever.. I trust him.. not believing all the crap people say...but... I hope its worth it.. why arent you replying my msg....what the hell is going on??? I am going insane now...I really am... Please Lord.... I need him badly.... I miss him so so damn much....

...Let's hit the pipelines baby!!....

I've always go "gaga" over surfers... Surfers, both dudes or babes are just way rad to me...

Surfing would be one of the xtreme sport I so wanna try. That'll be the first thing I wanna do when I get to Australia... But one of the biggest fear I would have to face in none other than those really freaky Big Great Whites... Cuz they scare the hell outta me...

Though I dont really know much bout surfing, not a fan of pro surfers... ( Cuz I dont surf myself).. But I swear I'll get my chance to watch heaps of surf tournament, and know more bout surfing.

...I guess you feel this way?....

"Vic, I came thru this song... It suddenly stroke me... I guess you feel this way?? ... i know it hurts... I am sorry... You'll get better soon.. I swear you will...."

Even though you're gone and far away,
I feel you all around.
I think about it every single day,
You got away somehow,

I can't sleep,
It's hard to breath,
And i still feel you next to me,
Now, i can see.

The first one is the worst one,
When it comes to a broken heart,
Whoa, oh, oh.
Your first love, yeah, you're so young,
And you feel like a fallin' star,
Whoa, oh, oh.

'cause i'm fallin' in the city,
It's burnin' out tonight,
You should be there,
But you've bettered your life.
Woah, oh, oh.

The first one is the worst one,
When it comes, when it comes to a broken heart.

Spinnin' like a movie in my head,
I've seen a thousan times,
I've learn to take it hard,
And fall instead.
I'm sittin' safe on the side lines.

Lost days,
Pictures fade,
Somehow, you're still miles away,
It's safe to say,

The first one is the worst one,
When it comes to a broken heart,
Whoa, oh, oh.
Your first love, yeah, you're so young,
And you feel like a fallin' star,
Whoa, oh, oh.

'cause i'm fallin' in the city,
It's burnin' out tonight,
You should be there,
But you've bettered your life.
Woah, oh, oh.

The first one is the worst one,
When it comes, when it comes to a broken heart.

If someone brought you a falling star just to kiss you,
I'm out here on my own,
Better now than i was before,
But, i miss you, and i want you to know.

I can't sleep,
It's hard to breath,
And i still feel you next to me,
I can see.

The first one is the worst one,
When it comes to a broken heart,
Whoa, oh, oh.
Your first love, yeah, you're so young,
And you feel like a fallin' star,
Whoa, oh, oh.

'cause i'm fallin' in the city,
It's burnin' out tonight,
You should be there,
But you've bettered your life.
Woah, oh, oh.

The first one is the worst one,
When it comes, when it comes to a broken heart.

The first one is the worst one,
When it comes to a broken heart.
Your first love, yeah, you're so young,
And you feel like a fallin' star.

'cause i'm fallin' in the city,
It's burnin' out tonight,
You should be there,
But you've bettered your life.
Woah, oh, oh.

The first one is the worst one,
When it comes, when it comes to a broken heart.

(First one-boys like girls)

....Never thought that it would be this good....

I went out with my crazy friends yesterday... It was a blast... Life is so much better with you guys around... we took a hell lotsa pics... I am sorry darlings that everyone is waiting for the pics... The uploader in facebook is like some freaking bitch..been trying so many times... Patience is what all of us need I guess?? haha...

We went to tebrau city... Checked out a few shops... Looking for ideas for prom dress... I tried out a piece of damn beautiful black sequin dress... its a mini.. its look so good... but my back is some freaking problem...Pimple marks please make your way outta my back! After that we went to Roost for dinner... It was freaking awesome just laughing my ass off after from all the crying the previous night. Pei Shi and Ming Fan took really sweet pics too...
I am happy for her... Even though my heart feels so empty without him, but I know I have to stop myself from thinking of him... Cuz its gonna make me happier. Seeing them together makes me happy yet hoping he will be there with us.


I love hanging out with this bunch... From the left: Jason, me, Ming fan, Pei shi, Hui Qing and Kong Hao. Hope six of us could hang out like that next time. ...Extravaganza... Anyone interested? I just hope six of us will be there.


I could never understand what I am in right now, we have done what normal couples do, yet we arent one. I could never understand what type of feeling is this. Its fearful, cuz he could just leave me, without saying a word, cuz both of us arent a thing. I just see a vague line. Nothing clear. All I could see is I am falling for you so much deeper. I can't help it anymore.


Another he called yesterday. I guess he needed to talk to someone... I have to be there for him, cuz to him I was the only closest person in his life apart from his mother. Even though both of us broke up. He is still in pain every single day, telling me how much he missed the times we used to have. But, all I could feel is sympathy, I cried because I feel guilty, because I know someone like him dont deserve to have such pain. He deserve a happier life than this. I know that its isnt easy for him to let go, but, he just have to. All I could tell him is, people learn to cherish only when they lose the thing they love. Vic, please move away from that spot. I am far from that spot already, wish you could do the same. You're not any backup plan for me. You're just someone who I used to love. So I beg you, please... Let me go. That will be the biggest favour you could ever do for me.

We have to learn to move on

Was going thru the blog posts I posted since last year. Looking back I realize how much I grown to know so many stuff in life. I fall in and out of love... I was broken, and back to a whole again..

" I am sorry. I did what you said, I read all the posts I posted for you, I was truly in love with you then. But, you didnt made me regret loving. At least you were someone much worth loving, you're no jerk. You're a nice guy, you're someone with good qualities. There are so many other gals out there, worth loving. And, I am not one of them, I am just someone who broke you really hard. I am someone who fell out of our love. I am someone who left our memories behind. I am not turning back anymore. I made the choice not to. Because, people move on. You got to be strong. Thank you for the things you did for me, thank you for praying for me all the time, thank you for being such a caring friend. And.... all we have between us now is just pure friendship. Nothing else. I have to admit that I am still a little use to you. I feel awkward without you. But, now I am starting to learn to get use to it. I am learning, and I am progressing in it. I hope you do the same..."





Angel, the things you said yesterday, shocked me. I sat there, not knowing what to do. My heart hurts so much, I cried so so hard. I havent done that for a long time. You said you cant do this now? You need time? I feel I know nothing about your thoughts, I dont even know what are you thinking. I guess you're not over her yet? I am not sure, cuz each time people tell you things bout her, you never fail to get cranky. why? You said you could never stay out of my life? Is it really true? I dont know why I feel so weak when I am with you. I cant even be harsh to you. Cuz the thought of you hurting, hurts me so much. Everything that happened on Friday, meant everything to me. Everything. I took it to heart. but angel, I have to tell you I cant do this anymore too... Because I have to stop hurting myself. Both of us need time. Both of us need time to get know each other more. If you really want this to be special, we have to know each other more. Lets not rush things anymore. Lets take it one step at a time. I have to tell you that I really enjoy talking crap with you, I enjoyed watching Janice Dickenson Modelling Angency with you. I enjoyed lying on your chest, enjoyed being in your arms, enjoyed kissing you, enjoyed talking things about each others' past, childhood...etc... I am happy that I am the one who knows buzz lightyer when you talk bout it. I am glad that you know bout fashion and I can talk to you bout anything.
PS: I read the nylon for guy.. there are a couple styles in there which I think you would look good in. I think you have that mag. Cuz I realize the music you told me to check out like delphic, we have band..etc..are all in there. lol.

For Tracey

Tracey darling... Do forgive me for not visiting your blog often, do forgive me that i've been taken away by my hectic ass life, do forgive me for not being there when you're not down. Forgive me for everything. I miss you. I am happy that you are learning to be someone so much better than I am. Someone that I look up to and learn. Last time, you are the one who is constantly looking up to me, trying to stay strong in life. But, now I guess I am the one now. I look up to you. You changed within a year. Change to be someone better. Changed to be someone so much stronger. But, I guess I backed out, I surrenderred to my failures these days. I stopped striving, I stopped learning. Maybe I thought this was the only way I could not get hurt or get broken. I guess I chickened out.

I missed the days when we use to laugh out, I missed the days when I use to cry on your shoulders, I miss the days when we would talk about any shit, I miss the days we scream out loud and go crazy over our favourite bands, I miss the days when we would console each other. We were so so close. Yet, now, cuz of life, we are being pulled apart.

Tracey, I really really do miss you. After graduation, I promise you that we will hang out. Just the two of us rite? Lets go for a movie, and after that we can talk... alright? I love you sis... Please reply my blog post in your blog alrite? Love you. Muackzx!

Lips of an angel...

The taste of your lips taste so good that I want to taste it again...... its like my own type of drug....
The way you treat me and hold me.... its nothing I've ever experienced before... and I loveeee it so effing much... I am falling so much deeper for you... angel... I am really in love with you... I cant control myself anymore, and I wont want to control....

Enough

Enough already.. Please... Stop gossiping bout me, stop telling everyone I stole your boyfriend. For god's sake... Act like an 18 year old. ...

YOU EXASPERATE ME.

I am at it again.

I guess I am at it again. Doing stupid things. Maybe I should wake up from this dream of mine. I am so close to being hurt, yet I cant pull myself out. I don't even know what am I doing to myself. I keep telling myself to get out of this fast but I cant. I just keep drowning.

I kept waiting,
It reminds me what I would do in the past,
waiting for someone who actually broke my heart,
yet,
I wont learn from my mistakes,
and I just kept going on....
I gotta get myself out.. I really have to.
I am so scared,
so afraid to get hurt,
I had enough of tears.




I dont know why I trust your words that easily,
I just trust you without even thinking twice,
please,
mean what you said,
please,
I dont wanna get hurt again..
Please.

The two best sisters you could ever ask for.

You both could be the most annoying freaks I've ever know, but at the same time you both could be such wonderful darlings... I love you both so damn much!! You both know me best, forgive me for my emoness these days... I'll be back soon... I will... No worries k??? I couldnt thank God enough for giving me you both.

Shan, I might have quarrell with you like most of the time, likeevery single day over stupid pathetic stuff... But I still love you.

Rach, you've been the most selfless person I've ever met in my entire life, you are just so nice to us, especially me.I really love you for being such a darling. I love you so so much...

Sorry

I am sorry for being so cranky these few days...

Things arent all that good for me...

I have not changed...

I am just not in a good mood, not in control with my feelings...

I have not changed...

I am sorry that I am selfish...

I am sorry for being rude...

Sorry for everything...
Yeah...

EVERYTHING...

I am not perfect...

I am not trying to be...

SORRY

I cant live without you guys

Yipee... the hols is finally here... Pei Qi, Shi, Kong Hao... You guys are like the best people to hang out with, I dont know what to do without you all... You all really took care of me... I really dont know what to do without you all... really...

I gotta really thank Kong Hao for being such a nice nice nice friend, for fetching me home most of the time, knowingly, that there's a distance between my house and his, I really gotta thank him for everything.. A big HUG for you!!!! Thank you so much...=) and, between things you and hijau... I dont know.. just trust you insticts, but I really dont want to see you getting hurt again. Cz its not nice...

Pei Shi, I know you are going though a lot.. The pain and hurt, but always remember that I am always here for you... You can be strong, we are gonna teman you till the end.. We are going to be here with you, and you'll forget all the hurt you've been thru. Mr Talley seems to be nice guy, whatever it is, trust you insticts darling. That is all it matters, people can say all they want, just trust your insticts.

Pei Qi, you've been the child between us, but, you appear to be the strongest among us. Without you, Pei Shi and I wont be as stable as now, without you, we wouldnt be still laughing our ass off... Thanks to you darling that we're smiling and laughing again. =)



August its such a blast, this month has been really painful for us... It really is... Ha.. But, because of all those things that happened, it pulled our frienship closer.. Love you guys to bits!!!

I am such an idiot.

Falling for someone is easy,
to believe someone seems so easy,
to be lied by someone seems easier.

Making decisions,
choosing,
its such an effort.

Sometimes we wish we dont even need to choose,
sometimes we wish we could have both,
but,
knowingly,
its way to greedy, its way to impossible.

Falling for someone else when you're in a relationship is wrong,
you broke someone's heart,
yet,
you dont even know whether you made the right decision,
the right decision to choose someone else,
yet,
you dont even know whether that person you chose will take care of your heart,
you dont even know whether it is worth it choosing that person.






I wish to drown myself in my sorrows...
I wish to be drowned by them,
I wish to stay there,
and not get up...


I give up....

I had enough....

I had enough pain and hurt...

Hoping time will past faster,
so I could leave this place,
leave all the hurt and pain behind,
live a new life some where else,
start afresh.

Forgetting every pain and hurt that I've been thru....

S3C2

Life with you all has been quite interesting enough...

I am so happy right now, with everything and all...

Without you guys I would be so bored, so bored....

Fun time is over... Time for us to get back to studying... Back to the hectic life...

Time for us to put studying as our first priority...

This year is such a blast...

I couldnt thank you all enough...

Graduation examination is like a month away,

UEC 2 months away...

3 more months till graduation....

Everything is happening way too fast...

S3C2 has made the last year in FY so much fun for me....

Love y'all to bits....
+

happy with everything.

I love you both darlings... Pei Qi and Pei See. After so many things, we are so close now... I am so happy with both of you, being great friends all the time... Making me happy whenever I am down.. We laugh together, go through difficulties together.. I couldnt be happier that we're so close now... I love you both darlings so much!
Pei Qi... Forever the small kid between us... Love you no matter what you are... You always made us happy...
Pei Shi... Forever the sporty gal... Love you as much as I love Pei Qi...

Silence

A sudden silence.. After I made a decision even though it hurts, but it is my choice. My choice to be single, my choice to leave you, my choice to stop loving you.



I know it is hard to accept for you. But, you just got to.


It is my decision, it will be final.

From now onwards..

I will stop loving you.

I will keep you away from my dreams.

I will cast you out of my thoughts.



So please.... respect my decision.

Whatever it is.

It is gonna be this way.

I wont explain why did I did it. But I just did.

Please. Stop loving me like always, for I am not worthy.

So let me put an end to our forever.

Our story will just end by now.


Silence.

Music Music!!

My addiction for music was just triggered by Paramore's new single " Ignorance". It is a pretty cool song.. to me. But, the melody was just somehow difficult to get.. weird though... Haha... I am also into some of these songs too...:
1. Iron and Wine- such great heights
2. Blue foundation- watch you sleeping
3. Daughtry- Poker face (cover song of lady gaga's poker face)
These are just some of the tracks that I personally like....

I am just waiting for the exams to end soon, so I can at least have some fun without thinking about disturbing exams.. the school anniversary, the food fair that is coming soon, society's anniversary... whee~~!! I wanna have fun before stupid finals and stressing UEC comes in the way...haha...

New moon please go on cinemas soon!!! I cant wait anymore!!!!!!!!!

peace

I decided to make peace with her today afternoon, fortunately things well out pretty well. But, I never liked her boyfriend, for his is an absolute jerk. Disliked by most of the girls and guys, what a shame.

It is our general meeting today, everything went out smoothly, no scolding, etc...
However, it bores me very much as I have to show a stern face, which is not a very nice and easy thing to do. My life in the society has been really awesome, no words can be used to describe how much I love my darlings~~ they are just some of the people I would miss a lot after graduation.....

Next week is test week AGAIN!! It is really frustrating, somehow I have the eager to get good results.

I cant believe that I've been dozing off while writing this blog post. I am definitely burned out today. peace and chaoz~~~

Do you really love me?

Sometimes I do wonder whether do you really love me, or maybe you're just taking me for granted. I am just like any other average girl who loves her boyfriend to be with her when he can, make her feel secure, make her feel loved. But, you don't anymore. Being busy is just a simple excuse. I could even count the dates we have after being together for a year. We just do the same old routine, making you feel sick and tired of our relationship. I love you so much, you have become my life now... But I guess you don't feel that strong for me anymore? I don't know. Hoping that I will be able to heal from all of this pain. Waiting for the day for you to be here with me, hug me. Truly love me.

Pissed

I would consider today as a very bad start of my week. I am having Monday blues. I've been quite alright today at first, only the afternoon I somehow realized I've been used. Felt so used by someone. I hate how these people could come and stick so close to you when they need you, when they don't need you. They leave. I mean, this people are just main fakers. And I really display a great amount of hatred to those girls who act innocent in front of guys, and have what they want. These people can just die without living. This world is to conjested to have fakers such as this.

I just feel that I can't trust anyone anymore. Everywhere I go, I meet nasty people. I truly know that the society is filled with stupid nasty jerks and bitches everywhere. It is such a shame that I can't find any nice people around me.( except for my darlings)

I seriously need my darling friends around me right now when I am feeling like crap. I need my family, my lovely Victor, Alexandra, and ELS. This is where I actually feel home, where I feel comfortable. I really need a break.

Pulled muscle

It was the first day of sports day yesterday. I ran the 100 metres hurdles, which I thought it was not that hard, AT FIRST. I thought I started off well, hopping every hurdle smoothly, until I lost count, and I went out of tempo, it was when I started making mistakes, crashing the hurdles with my legs, which left dark blue and purple on my sheen and thigh. It wasnt a plesant thing. At the end of the race, I didnt knew what happened, I pulled my muscle. I crashed on the floor. My thigh hurt like hell. The pain was excruciating, so darn unplesant. I kept crying. My particular reason for crying wasnt only the pain I had, but I was truly disappointed with my performance back there. The Paramedics from my school carried me to some tent, putting ointments on my thigh, I really wanted to scream out loud, the pain was so hard to take. They then put ice on it. All those stuff to at least take the pain away from it. But, it did help eventually. I leaped all the way to the bus stop to be fetched by my parents. It was my first and last year running on the field in front a great amount of spectators. The experience I had was really great, it was such a shame that I didnt manage to run the 4x100m and 4x400m. I was anticipating to run, unfortunately, with a pulled thigh muscle, I cant. The picture I posted was what I wore that day. Looks athletic to me somehow.

And, on Wednesday, I went for the Accounting Challenge which was held in Sunway. It was the second time I represented my school to take part in it. It was an awesome experience. We got the Third runner up. I was thrilled. It was really great, winning something for my school. Accounting might be a bore to some people, but to me, I actually find it quite interesting in some way. =)

Competition week is over. Finally. I am happy that it is. The next activity I'll anticipate will be tomorrow. I am going to pick fruits from my friend's orchard!!! It will be a blast especially with a hurt thigh. haha...

Growing vines

After watching the marvelous Transformers 2, I start falling in love with the soundtrack of the movie. Needless to say, New Divide by Linkin Park is awesome, very addictive. 21 guns by Green Day, is a great alternative rock track. Something different from Green Day, and it too suits the movie very much. The one i love the most would be The Fray- Never say never. I love it so so much. It was at the scene when Mikaela had to bid goodbye to Sam. The thought of that scene would make me tear. I do not know why, the feeling of saying goodbye to someone you are so attached to is just so intense.

Probably, I would be facing such stuff soon maybe next year? I don't know. I would not even want to have the thought of it. I truly love Victor so much. He really captivated my heart. I really love him with all my heart, I love him like I never loved before. He got me hooked to him, just make me feel that I do not wanna let go of him.

Time will never stop moving, the earth will never stop rotating, our love will never stop growing deeper just like vines.

I am happy for you

I got really great news today. I am so happy for Alexandra.
She is single no more, and she actually have a German boyfriend. I am so so happy for her, with her talent and everything, she should find someone with superb talent (which I assume that he has). Everyone seems to be appalled by this news of hers. Poor Alexandra, she's been mocked by others( not in a nasty way). Probably part of our friends just can't accept the fact that she has found some awesome dude?

I've been learning French today through the net. I feel totally idiotic just repeating the phrases by myself. And, I do think that French is quite a difficult language to take up. But I am not giving up. In the midst of learning, I just can't stop thinking about others, those from my school... They must be working so hard, studying for the finals...while I am just vegetating in front of the computer learning something that has got nothing to do with my finals. But, has everything to do with my future. I really have to go to Paris.

And, about the previous post which really potrayed the nasty side of me... I am over it... Life is so much happier without her in my thoughts. Just the sight of her face will send my blood boiling. But, true enough, my life is so great that someone like her would not have a chance to fit in my superb life. I'll just let her be. The saddest part is just to lose a bestfriend. But, I guess its okay. i have no choice whatsoever.And I promised myself that my life would be so much better without her. ( Eventhough I have to face her every single day) Just a few more months than its over.

Fund- raising has been tough for me. No actions have been done yet. It just stresses me so much. However, I am not gonna face this with a negative attitude. I am just believing that things would turn out better. Praying as hard as I can that miracles wil happen. I do believe in miracles. God bless me. I can do fine without a vice-chairman. My friends will support me all the way. =)
I can do it.

I had enough.

Its been ages since I posted a blog. I'll be typing this blog with a great amount of hatred. A massive amount of thoughts of confrontation. A superb amount of sadness.

Now, the motive I am writing this blog is to express my frustrations.

To whoever might concern:

WELL, OBVIOUSLY I HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR CRAZY GAMES. I AM TIRED TOO. I WANNA MAKE IT CLEAR THAT I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR BF BECAUSE I HAVE SOMEONE I LOVE SO MUCH. AND ALL I CAN SAY IS.... YOU'RE TOO OBSESSIVE. I AM IN NO POSITION TO CONFRONT YOU BECAUSE I AM NOT SUCH A LOSER LIKE YOU. THE GOOD THING IS I WONT BE TALKING TO YOUR BF. I GUESS YOU WOULD BE HAPPIER THIS WAY. AN INSTANT RELIEVE FOR ME. BUT ALSO BRINGING ME ENOUGH SADNESS. THANKS ANYWAY FOR HATING ME.

Meet the parents.

Actually this event happened on Wednesday, but I was rather late to update my blog.

Victor actually came to my house on Wednesday, he came over for movie and to just basically spend time with me. I would call it the best date ever, because he is able to spend some time with me and my family. It was like an important day for me, I really wanna let my parents know that I am truly in love with this guy, and of course I need my parents approval. But, thank God, Victor was a very nice guy, and my parents liked him! =)

Vic, Rachel and I watched Wall-e. I have to say, it looked pathetic to me at first, but later on I started to realize that it is a wonderful movie. I heard from someone that it is a silent movie, however, it is not. Only half of the movie is silent as Wall-e and Eve can't really talk, but when there are humans, there's where the conversation comes in. After that, Vic and I cooked dinner together. Wee- hee! Its so so fun to be in the kitchen with someone you love. I enjoyed every moment with him just basically whipping up a meal for the whole family. Love the time we had! Soooo much!

I might want to add on something. Something that has nothing to do with what happened on Wednesday. Its just that I cannot tolerate people who like to follow, you know, like totally wanna be someone they're not. Their imitating attitude just pisses me off so much, because they lack of authenticity. Get your own, stop copying quotes and make it your own, if you're that good, then, GET YOUR OWN. This world is too tight for fakers like you. So, please, for heaven's sake, be yourself.

ps: I am not pointing out to a particular person, its just that I truly dislike people who imitates thats all.

Back so soon??

It's so weird that I am back so soon posting blog posts. I just wanna give out some updates. I've cut my hair. My bangs looks much more neater than before, FINALLY!

And I've been reading Ellen Degeneres's blog. & happen to find it very hilarious. It is something you would need when you're down. And I love her jokes. I really enjoy reading every single post of her blog. Its really awesome. I highly recommend her blog to everyone. She is so awesome! Kudos to you ellen!!

http://ellen.warnerbros.com/ellens_thoughts/

.....? "Random post"....

First thing first, that was the weirdest title I ever had on my blog post. But anyway, I named it random post, its because I haven't any idea for my blog. (obviously!)

UPDATE: What am I up to this few days of my hols? Woke up around 10 am, join my family for breakfast, but I wasn't the latest to wake up as always, BECAUSE my eldest sis Shan is still in dreamland with Adam Lambert. After breakfast, TV comes in in the morning. What show is on? Sad thing is I missed my favourite Ellen DeGeneres show, but after the Ellen show comes... well.. Martha Stewart. (laughs) You could see how bored I am, but just lazing around in the morning was a good way to relax. I guess? in the afternoon, I just write write write, or surf the net about fashion. After that, I forced myself to study, doing revisions on book-keeping and English. I would not consider my hols unproductive. Its a good way to do things that I cannot manage to do during school days. Life isn't all about getting A's all the way, or being the best student in the class or school. Studying is just part of my life.

All the things that I've been doing now, its just doing some preparations for my future. Learning how to survive, learning how to cook good food, learning how to be a good writer ( I am not good enough, obviously), most of all learning how to enjoy life.

I love being myself, and I am not ashamed that I am not FREQUENTLY studying like most of the time. I need space. I need time-off from studying.

Anticipating my life after school. I would learn French, get my driver's license, learn leadership and the business from my father, read novels, fashion articles. Do things that I would love to do. Nic, persevere for another 4 to 5 months. And you're free to leave that Chinese environment. Leave it with a smile and no regrets.

Peace out.

ps: I miss my darling Traceline, Alexandra and Victor. Three of you are the essential thing in my life. Love ya all to bits! Muackzx!

Anne Hathaway. Admiration.

I love Anne its cuz she has a really stunning smile, superb acting skills and amazing fashion sense. She is one of the fashion icon in Hollywood which I could not agree more. She looks good in everything and I mean, EVERYTHING! I adore her down to earth attitude. She is just awesome.

You can't deny that she is awesome.