Poof! Blown into pieces.

I was so defeated today. I failed in many ways today, I felt lost. I can't take the acing pain in my heart, at the very moment, all I could hope for is to let God take the pain away; or either, I would wanna reap my heart off. The pain was excruciating.

The first situation was, I got my English paper today. It was a total disappointment for myself and I guess my teacher? I don't care if I disappoint my teacher, as long as I don't disappoint myself. But I just did. The marks on that test paper was awful, was one of the worst results that I ever obtained in my high school life. I couldn't imagine I had such results for my English, which was my best subject. Tears welled up in my eyes, and soon flowed down like waterfall on my cheeks. It was uncontrollable. I knew I could do better, but I didn't. It was unexpected. Others who can't speak fluently can obtain greater results than me. I can't accept the fact. I didn't see it coming. I really didn't.

After that, the pain from my results was fading. But a new thing came in again. I was in the canteen after school. The sounds of the students in the canteen created some sort of frustration for me, I was exasperated by all of it. The yelling of stall owners, the sounds of clattering cutlery, the shouts of students. It all came together. Bombarding my brain altogether. It was great to see my lovely Victor smiling, finally. But I realized it wasn't me that made him laugh. It was someone else. The pain then came again, burning holes in my heart. All I could hope for is to rip off my swiss-cheese like heart. I thought to myself that, I've been trying so hard to cheer him up for the whole week, trying so hard so I could see his lovely smile. Instead, it was someone else. Someone that isn't all that close to him. And I start contemplating, where did I did wrong that he couldn't be cheered up by me? Am I such a failure? That I don't even know what my boyfriend love, what will make him happy. I just can't think anymore. The oil odor in the canteen add on to my frustrations. All I could do is to fake a smile. Fake it so the others can't see the pain I am hiding. It wasn't the best week today. It was probably the most frustrating, the most exasperating, the most exhausting week.

My heart need rest. My heart needs a place. Please Vic, come and make me feel better. Just one smile, just one. That is sufficient enough for me, more than enough...