Back to where I was

It has been quite a while since I was laid off from school. My routines can be decribed with one word : boring. Yes, very boring. I couldn't find anything that can amuse me in my house, apart from my hilarious mother and sister. I decided to go back to my own routine of reading fashion blogs, and how I love ro indulge in their creative writing, which would impress me without fail. It also brings me to their life of constantly attending fashion shows by many fabulous designers, staying in hotels like the ritz-carlton or four seasons, it is indeed a lifestyle that everyone wants to live.

It frustrates me so much that my friends are just working and getting money, and I, I just sit in front of the computer the whole day, facebooking, and reading fashion blogs. How I wish that I get paid to do all of these stuff..( I am sure everyone hope for that too!)

I am opting for a change in my lifetstyle, and of course place. I want to go to Paris and live for a few years, this is one of the things I want to do. I want a change in my environment, a change in the weather and architecture. But, it is of course a fantasy of mine, and soon to be reality. My dear Vansha would agree with the change in environment and people.

Oh dear Paris, I sure miss your cold air and scent, I sure miss your lovely architecture and night lights. And I promise I'll be back very soon.

*drowning*

I couldn't stop repeating the scene from new moon when Edward left Bella in my head. It so heart wrenching. I cried during the movie. And I do feel the pain badly. No idea whether is it because the movie really got me or is it because I am feeling the same too...

Having to lose someone you really love really does hurts, he is so near yet so far. Knowing that going back is just not possible. I feel so empty. I could sit in a corner, and just daze, and suddenly cry because I am hurting so much inside. The pain is way too numb. Sometimes I cant even cry, I just dont know what to do.

" it suddenly feels like a hole punched inside my heart, and the edges of the hole burning...."
adapted from New Moon.

this is what I am feeling now, and always been since I left you...
The hole in my heart hasnt heal either, it just get bigger and bigger. And soon I feel like I am drowning. I cant get hold of my breathing.

Nothing could distract me from thinking of you everyday. Its sad that you dont feel the same. I wont blame you for I cast this upon myself.

*i cant help it*

I know we couldnt get back what we were, I know you told me clear enough, I can see that. But how am I to stop myself from thinking of our past, we were perfect, imperfectly perfect. You were the one who knew how to tolerate my weird temper. You knew me like the back of your hand. But, now we are just nothing but best of friends. I appreciate you still being very caring towards me, still loving me like before. But, its different now. You're being so mature and aware of your own future, which is a good thing. You kept stressing bout exposing yourself to so many things in life... I mean that makes me love you more, makes me look up to you more.

The thing is I cant help but to keep thinking of you... all the time, think of our past. I am hating myself so much because I ruined us, and got myself hurt and messed up.What will people think of me, I just dont care, but I couldnt deny that I am messed up for sure. I mess myself up. I got myself hurt twice by two different guys. What the F is wrong with me, I dont know. But for sure I hated myself for falling for someone who wouldnt regard or care for my feelings and broke someone I really love so much.

Vic, what am I to do? You're going to jakarta, and I cant contact you whatsoever... those weeks are gonna be agonizing for sure...I'll miss you so much.... Vic, I could never cast you out of my life, I tried...but its impossible, and I am not going to try anymore. You are part of my life, you always will be.

*two is better than one*

"I remember every look upon your face, the way you roll your eyes the way you taste, you made it hard for breathing..."

quoted from the song two is better than one

All I can do right now is only think of the past, linger in the past. I miss you, I do. I miss everything about you. People say move on, but i say its easy to say but hard to do when you really love someone and gave out your all to the person.

I miss you a lot vic. You said, things arent the same anymore. Maybe u think it is. n i dont blame you for that.

*i miss your smile*

Even though I stole this picture from someone else's profile, but I somehow love it. Its such a shame that I wasnt the one who took this pic. I wish I was. I miss everything bout him, especially that smile which I had taken away from him months ago. And it did hurt me a lot. All I can say is:

*I miss your lovely smile*

*I keep you in my heart*

It was 2:23 am when I decided to turn in. I lay there, bombarded with our memories. I can't help to cry again and again. I cried out every single aching in my heart. Resenting every mistake that I've made. I can't imagine that I ruined something so close to perfect for me, I ruined something we have built for a long time. We love each other so much, gave all we have to each other. Got ourselves broken at the end. I respect your decision. Maybe you are right that we should keep things this way? Maybe we should stay this way. Separated. It is so hard for me to agree with you. I was suffocating when you said that we shouldnt be together, because we are in a position so uncertain. You always look at the future not the present. You always do things in the right way. At least we wont hurt that bad in the future. All I can do now is to keep you in my heart and get on with my life. Everything I do I think of you, everywhere I go, most of the things reminds me of you. At least I have memories lingering in every corner. At least I have something of you.

I'll definitely miss you like nuts when you are in Jakarta for a month. I'll miss you so very much. You promise me that we'll hang out as much as we can before you leave. I hope you can spend my birthday with me and my family. That would be perfect for me.

I guess this would be the last time I would say this to you before I can say it again freely and happily. Once again:
*I heart you*

!!!wowness!!

Is there such a word called "wowness"? no idea, but i sorta created my own. There are so many reasons I am wowing for the moment. First is, wow, i went shopping with my mum today, i got a black dress with really weird design, but who cares cuz its unique. and i bought a denim studded jacket. that is the real wowness. cuz damn i've been looking for a studded jacket for sometime. so its yipee!

Second wowness, is meeting my bro with his ex in cs. that is a real wow. i thought both of them quarrelled? no idea. but as long as he is happy i am cool. if they get back together she better treat him well. technically its none of my business. haha...

Third wowness, my darling vic is coming home on Fri. yipee..i cant wait to meet him before i take off to Penang. Miss him so muchie!!

Fourth wowness, I am going Penang. So its cool that I get to lay off from here for the moment. gotta enjoy the heat, the food, the beach and attend a cool wedding. hope there are cute german guys there?? hahaha...

Cheers peeps.... expect the unexpected.