Friday, April 17, 2009

Poof! Blown into pieces.

I was so defeated today. I failed in many ways today, I felt lost. I can't take the acing pain in my heart, at the very moment, all I could hope for is to let God take the pain away; or either, I would wanna reap my heart off. The pain was excruciating.

The first situation was, I got my English paper today. It was a total disappointment for myself and I guess my teacher? I don't care if I disappoint my teacher, as long as I don't disappoint myself. But I just did. The marks on that test paper was awful, was one of the worst results that I ever obtained in my high school life. I couldn't imagine I had such results for my English, which was my best subject. Tears welled up in my eyes, and soon flowed down like waterfall on my cheeks. It was uncontrollable. I knew I could do better, but I didn't. It was unexpected. Others who can't speak fluently can obtain greater results than me. I can't accept the fact. I didn't see it coming. I really didn't.

After that, the pain from my results was fading. But a new thing came in again. I was in the canteen after school. The sounds of the students in the canteen created some sort of frustration for me, I was exasperated by all of it. The yelling of stall owners, the sounds of clattering cutlery, the shouts of students. It all came together. Bombarding my brain altogether. It was great to see my lovely Victor smiling, finally. But I realized it wasn't me that made him laugh. It was someone else. The pain then came again, burning holes in my heart. All I could hope for is to rip off my swiss-cheese like heart. I thought to myself that, I've been trying so hard to cheer him up for the whole week, trying so hard so I could see his lovely smile. Instead, it was someone else. Someone that isn't all that close to him. And I start contemplating, where did I did wrong that he couldn't be cheered up by me? Am I such a failure? That I don't even know what my boyfriend love, what will make him happy. I just can't think anymore. The oil odor in the canteen add on to my frustrations. All I could do is to fake a smile. Fake it so the others can't see the pain I am hiding. It wasn't the best week today. It was probably the most frustrating, the most exasperating, the most exhausting week.

My heart need rest. My heart needs a place. Please Vic, come and make me feel better. Just one smile, just one. That is sufficient enough for me, more than enough...

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I'll swim the ocean for you.

It has been bothering me these days... You have always been able to manouver my emotions so perfectly. And I....I am such a weakling, I can't even take control of my emotions, I just let it move according to your way. and now you are facing so much stress, we've been quite far apart for this week I might say. I am not used to it. Not at all... Its not that I am obsessed with you, its just that you have become a part of me... A part that I am not used to not having.

I know all the stress, all the pressure is just suffocating you. But, no matter what, you are a strong guy. You are my strong guy. You are the one who told me to be strong, be positive, to pray hard, to never ever give up. You told me that. And I tried my best to do it. And now its your turn to do so darling. You cant give in to those stupid irrtating negative emotions that is going to affect you in every way.

I love you so much, I am here for you. I could swim the ocean for you, I could do anything to get you out of this mess.

I am here for you, 24/7, I wont give up on making you happy, I wont. And this is my promise.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I am an idiot!

There is not particular reason why I would wanna call myself an idiot. But, really... I do not make a great girlfriend. Stupidity had just got into my head all the time, I am weak... So easily controlled by my overwhelming emotions, so weak to let it take control over me. Why for once, cant I even take control? My head is not in agreement with my emotions. I dream, I imagine... All the things that is not going to happen, but, it wounded up even worse. Victor had been tolerating my stupid temperaments all the time, I guess its making him insane... I don't know, but I always, live in resentment after all the temper that I threw. Knowingly that the person beside is trying his best to make me feel better, knowing he had the power of making me feel better, yet, I just have to ruin his mood too. I am such a sucker. What the hell is wrong with me!!!!!

Pressure, loser? The pressure is getting worse for me. I am trying so effing hard for my exams, yet... I made it worse. I hate the feeling of losing to someone I rather hate, or I should use the word dislike. I can't take it. I would psycho myself telling myself that I am going to do better next time, telling myself time and time again that its okay. But... it seems this psycho-therapeutic thing isn't working at all... at all... What can I do to be better when I just kept working hard? God please tell me how....

Lost in somewhere called the unknown? I am lost in some place, trying hard to find what I want, what I am good at. But why can't I see the light? Why can't I find my way? What is hindering me from finding my way. I open my eyes wide, but is it wide enough? Why won't I stop torturing myself. Letting myself feel pain. The pain in me just trembled every vein in me...

Being emotional? Its true that I am. Females are the ones that are so emotional...

I have to stop this, I can do this.... (psycho-ing myself again) I wanna be strong, I wanna be independent. But I can't... I am drowning... The water level is getting high... Having an acute pain in my heart... Trying... so hard... to .. stay strong.......

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Leadership competition

It was an awesome trip to Sunway yesterday. I guess it was all about leadership, how to be a good leader... It was awesome cuz I was able to spend the whole day with Victor. It was really wonderful. So wonderful.

And I wanna thank Traceline and Victor for being such awesome and encouraging people. Cuz they have always been there for me, and was there for me yesterday. Thank you so very much. So so very my much. I love you both to bits. Mwah~